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"Tattaglia is a pimp. It was Barzini all along"

2009-05-01T16:12:00.000-05:00

Hungry for all things Chicago Bears, I am forced to listen to sports radio every day. Most shows have a lead host who sets the agenda. These guys are the Barzinis. They provide direction and insight. They carry the show.

The Barzinis are usually paired with a terrible partner. These sidekicks are dead weight and could never carry a show on their own. They are whom Don Vito would call the pimps - the Tattaglia's.

Waddle & Silvy: AM 1000 9am-1pm

Two Tattaglias in one show. Tom Waddle mocks the jock persona while not realizing that he is one. Marc Silverman says "thot" instead of "that".
When they are joined by ABC's Mark Giangreco, it's a smarmfest.

The Hamp & Holmes Show: AM 670 10am-12pm

Two more Tattaglias.
Dan Hampton, "So uh, uh, and..and again...did you catch the uh..salient point... in that..uh.."
Lawrence Holmes, "You know it, Big Man!"

The Mike Murphy Show: AM 670 12pm-2pm

A few shows are just one pimp flailing about for a few hours a day. Mike Murphy refers to his show as "Murphapalooza". His voice sounds like he just had his tonsils out. His role on radio is to pick fights with over-65 Cub fans.

Boers and Bernstein: AM 670 2pm-6pm

A classic Tattaglia/Barzini. Terry Boers' (on the left) role is to shout, guffaw and wheeze heinously. Dan Bernstein can hardly get the words out as he cracks himself up.
Dan Bernstein has made me laugh once. After Mike Singletary's post-game podium meltdowns...
Dan Bernstein, "Singletary is a disaster! He's losing everything! He's losing the game! He's losing the post-game!"

Mully and Hanley: AM 670 5am-10am

The ultimate Tattaglia/Barzini. Mike Mulligan (on the left) is a great Chicago sportswriter and broadcaster. Brian Hanley is the chime-in guy.
Mully "Derrick Rose is separating himself, skill-wise, from the rest of the team"
Hanley "No one's coming close"
Brian Hanley's favorite phrase is "Thaaaats right"

Hanley acts hostile to guys beneath him like Bears beat reporter Zach Zaidman. Though Zaidman has a massive radio announcer affectation, he's a free-agent who could be elevated by a good partner.

Free Agent #1 Hub Arkush, like Steve Stone and the Cubs, was part of the Bears organization, then shunned by it.
He likes to mention his own injuries when talking about NFL injuries. 670.com uses quotes when describing him as "Senior Football Analyst". I've softened on Hub over the years because I like his Bears shows.
He and Zaidman could transcend the Tattaglia/Barzini

Carmen, Jurko & Harry: AM1000 2pm-7pm

“In politics, the tripod is the most unstable of all structures.”
Dune

(left.Harry Teinowitz; center.Carmen Defalco ; right. John Jurkovic)

Formerly the Mac, Jurko and Harry show until former lead host Dan McNeil was fired. Dan McNeil is a fat tongued curmudgeon. He hated Harry and directed all conversation to his idol Jurko. A Tattaglia in Barzini clothing, his firing upset the balance of the show for a while.

As Jurko said a few months ago, "Jesus you're hard to work with now Harry."

Dan McNeil's departure created a power vacuum. Harry began asserting himself by attacking Jurko. As it turns out, Teinowitz, the nerdy Jewish kid from the suburbs who loves the Bulls and the Cubs, is better in small doses.

Carmen, whom Jurko calls"Carmine", though technically taking McNeil's lead chair, was the new guy and the young guy, so he was eager to not rock the boat.

Carmen may set the agenda, but Jurko calls the shots. He quelled the Harry rebellion, subtly seized power and thus revealed himself to be the Kwisatz Haderach.

Bears 20 - Packers 17

2008-12-28T11:34:00.009-06:00

A. Brown!

Hub Arkush, former lackey of Dick Jauron and one of the most influential Bears analysts in town, seems to be on a campaign to run Brian Urlacher out of town. Hub says that Brian has no joy in playing anymore and would be better off going to a new city.
I don't see that. I see a guy jumping and smiling and celebrating after every big defensive stop.
Hopefully, Brian will have a resurgence similar to Ray Lewis', and I hope he stays in Chicago.

Danieal Manning and Devin Hester should be on the field together for all punt and kick returns. With Manning's emergence, if kickers start to avoid him, they'd be forced to kick to Hester. And look here, Kellen Davis is involved in a play, and doesn't draw a flag.

Robbie and Brad love each other.

Bears 27 - Saints 24

2008-12-21T14:58:00.005-06:00

Reports from Halas Hall continue to claim that Devin Hester is progressing as a receiver. As far as I can tell, this is the Bears best WR.
His name is P.I. and he is Orton's most consistent downfield threat.

As I sit and wait to see if the Falcons can keep the Bears in the playoff picture by beating the Vikings, I can really only think of one thing. This picture was posted on the Bears message board by ole69.
I have no words.
Go Bears, I mean Falcons.

Bears 23 - Jaguars 10

2008-12-08T13:22:00.010-06:00

The Bears are really good at beating bad teams.

If you told me at the beginning of the season that Vasher and Tillman would be starting for most of the season, Mike Brown would stay healthy, A. Brown would be back as a starter and Lance Briggs would be signed long term, I would have thought we'd once again have a dominant defense.

Most of the players are the same from the Superbowl run. Who's missing? Ron Rivera at Defensive Coordinator.

And, of course, Chris "Warf" Harris.

Robbie Gould and Brad Maynard are the same type of player. They're almost like super heroes.

Maynard is at the bottom of the league's average for distance, but he leads the league in pinning teams inside the 20, which is the best possible thing a punter can do on the field.
Accuracy at short distances pretty much describes Robbie as well.

It's hard to tell if the Bears are even a good team this year. They've shown flashes of goodness, but continue to come up short in "most important games of the season".

Tonight is yet another "must win" against the Saints.

Vikings 34 - Bears 14

2008-12-01T15:00:00.015-06:00

Lovie is still carrying on about the “6 game season”. We are now 2 games into the 6 game season – or 4 halves into a 12 game half season or a 3rd through our six game season...

Lovie, you've turned a few hundred special teams yards per game and excellent field position into the occasional 66 yard TD run. You made Hester's brain explode.

Horse Collar!

Let's compare Kyle's numbers to Rex's '06 numbers after 12 games - or half way through the 6 game season or whatever Lovie is calling it. No, let's not. Kyle is sucking. He made it as far through a season as Rex ever did before sucking.

A.P. and Rasheed and Hester had how many drops?

Good news is the Bears have stopped the goal line Jason Mckie FB dive. Bad news is Ron Ron is still trying it with recently signed off the practice squad Jason whatever his name is.

Holy flop Gus Frerotte. I can’t stand to watch a single game of my beloved soccer because of all the flopping. 20 times a game you’d think someone cracked a fibula. And now I must suffer through this in football?! Douche.

It doesn’t matter now if the Bears make it into the playoffs. It won’t be because they’re good, just that the Vikings ended up sucking worse. In the 2nd “most important game of the season” the Bears once again were crushed by a division foe.

A look at our 6 wins so far:

· A hobbled Peyton Manning’s Colts
· A Brian Westbrook-less Eagles
· 2 wins against the NFL-worst Lions
· Bottom feeder Rams

The only quality win the Bears had was against the Vikings, who more than answered the challenge in the rematch.

Angelo's Drafts Part II

2008-11-29T16:58:00.012-06:00

We are going to look once more at Jerry Angelo's draft picks, this time at the 3rd pick in each draft since '01:

OG Mike Gandy - He played a while, don't know if he was good. Do these guys have to fight over #69?

OG Terrance Metcalf - Same with him. I think he was ok. I want a friend like Jurko who can tell me if offensive linemen are good.

LB Lance Briggs - Picked #68, Great Pick.

WR Bernard Berrian - At his best maybe a B+ for a while.

QB Kyle Orton - Still unproven. Half a season is as far as Rex usually made it too. Don't tell me about ten games as a rookie. Did you see those games?

DT Dusty Dvoracek - Too soon to say, maybe he's good?

RB Garrett Wolfe - Always will be thought of as a reach at #93, arguably a bust.

WR Earl Bennett - Hasn't made it on to the field yet.

Does Angelo deserve his reputation for late round steals? I think it was the Hester pick that gave Angelo that rep, but I don't see a lot of brilliance.

Jurko Is The Artie Lang of Sports Radio

2008-11-23T04:24:00.001-06:00

Packers 37 - Bears 3

2008-11-17T18:08:00.016-06:00

The Bears are currently a disaster. Where to start? I'll just start and end with new "Lovie-Speak". He is now focused on the upcoming "6 game season" to right the ship. Here's a good Top Ten that offers common Lovie gripes in Chicago.

This week we are taking a look at GM Jerry Angelo's first pick in each draft since '01 and seeing how he's done.

WR David Terrell - Bust. Not sure if Jerry was calling the shots at this point but Terrell was a collosul failure at #8 in the draft.

OT Mark Colombo - Injurys. Bears finally cut him - starts in Dallas - is he good , who knows. That's for bjcowboys.blog to decide.

DE Michael Haynes - Big Bust at #14

DT Tommie Harris - Me and everyone else in Chicago wanted the Bears to lock Tommie up long term, but don't we expect the GM to be smarter than us? Either his legs are messed up or he took the money and got soft. This is on Angelo for giving money to a guy who may be totally injured and on Lovie for failing to motivate or utilize Tommie effectively.

RB Cedric Benson - #4 in the draft. Didn't work out. Some would say huge bust. (No disrespect to Cedric for using this photo - he was maced before this mugshot and anyway, this is how I want my Bears running back to look after partying on a boat during his off time.)

S Danieal Manning - What is Danieal Manning with the f-ed up spelling and the not knowing where to play him and raw talent and blah? Picked #42. Hasn't worked out so far.

Greg Olsen - Looks like a solid pick.

Chris Williams - Already injured, got injured, not playing, whatever, Bust.

That's a pretty awful track record, but Angelo has been given credit for later round picks, so let's look at his second pick in each draft since '01:

RB Anthony Thomas - Rookie of the year. Soon after, Bears cut him. WTF? Good pick, bad managing of talent.

LB Roosevelt Williams - Who?

QB Rex Grossman - I like Rex, but I recently had to let him go from my heart two weeks ago. If he had a chance to start last week against Green Bay after what we could call a rusty game against the Titans, he could have started working towards regaining my love and trust.

DT Tank Johnson - Good player, bad guy. I will give Angelo credit for cutting him - after the Superbowl.

WR Mark Bradley - I wanted to love Mark. With the Bears, a bust.

Devin Hester - Has having to worry about precise WR route running ruined the wholey individual act of running punts and kicks back like a motherfucker?

Dan Bazuin - Picked at #62, he lasted for a minute on the Bears. Bust

Matt Forte - Good pick.

Being generous and calling some picks bad instead of bust here's the totals -

Bust: 4
Bad: 7
Good: 5

I don't know how that compares to the rest of the league, but it doesn't look good.

Titans 21 - Bears 14

2008-11-14T20:39:00.010-06:00

"If Kyle is back, Bears win."

Harry Teinowitz
AM 1000

I'm not buying it. Kyle wasn't looking too sharp before he got hurt 2 weeks ago. I'm waiting until the end of the season to decide what kind of player Kyle is.

Rex had one good drive last week against the Titans. He's almost dead to me.

It looks like Rex won't get a chance to redeem himself - Kyle is listed as probable against Green Bay.

Tomorrow is must win for the Bears. When Lovie start talking about getting over .500 as a goal, you'll know the season is going down the shitter.

Bears 27 - Lions 23

2008-11-02T18:24:00.026-06:00

I have to admit I was excited when Rex came in. I don't forget what you did in the 1st half of '06 Rex!
Unfortunately, I also remember what you did in the 2nd half of '06 and you showed a bit of both against the Lions.

Ultimately, Grossman did what he does more often than not - pull the fat out of the fire and come away with a victory.

No doubt, he was helped greatly by R.O.Y. candidate Matt Forte tearing it up in the 2nd half.

22 Attempts 126 Yards

Speaking of R.O.Y candidates, Forte will be going head to head with Tennessee RB Chris Johnston, a.k.a. the black Josh Eustis, or the white Josh Eustis - I'm not sure what's going on here.

Orton was looking like "Bad Kyle" until his injury - strangely mimicking Good Rex/Bad Rex, complete with a leg injured during a scramble.
Along with Kyle on that cart may have gone the Bears ability to audible, shotgun or throw a screen pass.

Perhaps, Orton is lucky to not face Albert Haynseworth.

Here is Haynesworth ripping the helmet off Pro-Bowl Center Andre Gurode in 2006...

...And stomping his head.

Like a defenseless lion tamer in a cage, Ex-Bear Jeff Fisher controls the animal with a series of chest bumps and harsh words.

Haynesworth is the current front runner for NFL PLayer of the Year.

If "forced intentional grounding" were an official stat, Brian Urlacher would at least be leading the team in one category. He's even trailing Lance Briggs in baby mamas (3 to 1 I think).

Who is that with him - Shannon Sharp?

I want Brian to succeed so I can show action shots like this. Here's Yisra-el swatting down a Dan Orlovsky pass.

And here's Lance Briggs preserving the Bears victory by forcing a fumble by TE Michael Gaines AND recovering the fumble. A Pro-Bowl play by a Pro-Bowler.

I hope Rex doesn't get eaten this weekend by Albert Haynesworth. If he does, I'm predicting a big game for Quiet Thunder.

Bears 48 - Vikings 41

2008-10-25T10:50:00.027-05:00

If you're in a pinch and need some Bears talk in the morning, you're going to have to chose between Hampton and Holmes on 670 and Waddle and Silverman on 1000.

I don't recommend listening to either, but I'm giving the edge to Dan Hampton over Tom Waddle.

Waddle is close to being tossed into the douche koozie. He does a Craig Kilbourn thing without being funny and he's got Silverman doing it now too and it's getting very creepy.
Avoid this show unless Jeff Dickerson is giving a Bears report.

Kilbourn today - Does he look weird, like some fishy business is going on in his face?

I think the bi-week is a good time to admire Marty Booker's buttocks. It's what the Jews call a tushie.

It powered this 51 yard TD receptions.

Josh and Alfredo's homeboy Craig Steltz blocked a Vikings punt that Garrett Wolfe brought in for a TD.

Steltz literally has a red neck and face and he speaks Waterboy-style Louisiana.
I literally shit my pants. No you don't understand, I literally...

I noticed a shift in attitude as Lovie decided to NOT let the clock run out at the end of the 1st half. The Bears added 3 after a 19 yard pass to Olsen and a 48 yard FG by Hyman Roth.

The Bears play the Lions tomorrow at noon.

Falcons 22 - Bears 20

2008-10-12T20:21:00.043-05:00

We have a fresh set of inexplicable coaching decisions to ponder.

What The Squib?!

1.) Robbie Gould finally has the strength to kick to the goal line. Don't take that away from Robbie. Don't ask Robbie to not be Robbie.
34 yard kick + 10 yard return = better off kicking out of bounds!

2) The decision shows your Special Teams you have no faith in them. We know S.T.'s has injuries, but you give up on them after a few long returns?

3) All of a sudden you're scared of Jerious Norwood like he's Devin Hester?
If you are squibing to a man not named Devin Hester with 11 seconds left, you are thinking too much.

Not even Devin Hester is Devin Hester right now. He's looking good as a WR, but he's pensive on returns. With 6 minutes left in the game, Hester fair caught a ball at the Chicago 46 with no one around him.

Is the Cover 2 working?

Lovie's coaching philosophy is being called into question in the press by the Tribune's David Haugh.

Haugh's frightening stat:

Atalanta's Matt Ryan: 30 throws 0 sacks
Tampa's Brian Griese: 67 throws 0 sacks

"Cover 2" is a zone defense. The more time receivers and quarterbacks have, the easier it is to find gaps between defenders. 0 sacks = 0 pressure.

We are doing a great job of shutting down the run - and that's important considering who's coming to town. But teams wont need a run game if they can torch us in the air.

Matt Ryan on 3rd and long for 1st down (tackled by):

3-16 : 22 yards (C.Tillman)
3-5 : 9 yards (M.Brown
3-8 :15 yards (D.Manning)
3-9 : 47 yards (K.Payne)
3-11 : 13 yards (M.Brown)

Compounding the lack of pressure from our D line are injuries in the secondary.

Nathan Vasher - Wrist
Charles Tillman - Shoulder
FS Danieal Manning - Hamstring
CB Trumaine McBride - Shoulder
CB Marcus Hamilton - Heel

Lovie defending his play calling after the squib "That's the coverage we like to run in that situation. We didn't execute it the way we need to but you don't all of a sudden start changing things you believe in."

Who knows how smart Lovie is. Does it seem like he makes half time adjustments? Does he have a plan to stop the slant pass? Can he get the offense and defense working in the same game?

Are the failures in play calling his or Defensive Coordinator Bob Babich's?

Are we going to care if the Bears are below .500?

Notes...

The handoff to Fullback Jason McKie for the 1 yard TD or first down is a failed experiment.

Roy Williams was traded to Cowboys this week and the hapless Lions had to scramble to change a website centered entirely on Roy. What am I going to do without "Rapping with Roy"?

You think you're above the law?

I was watching Above the Law this weekend and besides it being the 2nd best Steven Seagal movie next to the one with the Rastafarians, it was filmed in Bucktown at St. Mary's on Hermitage & Cortland.

Bears 34 - Lions 7

2008-10-06T21:09:00.017-05:00

If the Bears continue to play like this, I will have to put the blog out of commission. They play a great game, win, and we all pleasantly go about our week.

I don't have to tell you who's playing great.

Fortunately, I have found a new player to hate. His name is Roy Williams and he is a big baby. On this play, the ball bounced off his open hands and into the arms of Charles Tillman.

He had 4 drops in the game. The worse he played, the more he blamed his QB's.

"You threw the ball right at my head! I had to lift my arms up this high! How am I supposed to catch a ball thrown right here?!"

This is the only guy he could find who would listen to his hissy fits.

The Lions have based their whole website around this douche. He is featured on the home page and has TWO special sections, "Rapping with Roy" and "First Down with Roy Williams".

As a tribute to his trademark "first down" celebration, Detroitlions.com will post 'First Down with Roy Williams' each week prior to Sunday's regular season game. Williams will offer his take on everything from Detroit's upcoming match-up to how he is fairing in fantasy football"

In other words, he is known not for scoring touchdowns or winning games, but for exciting the Detroit faithful with the occasional first down.

And as the devil horns in this college photo clearly show, Roy Williams is a devil worshipper.

Bears 24 - Eagles 20

2008-10-01T19:56:00.035-05:00

Good Kyle Bad Kyle?

First Half : 15 of 24 for174 yards 3 TD's and 0 INT's

Second Half : 3 of 10 for 25 yards 0TD's and 1 INT

The real story here is that Kyle has a bowl cut. No millionaire should have a bowl cut unless it's Jim Carrey.

I saw this interview (on left) last Sunday morning as I began my ritual of watching pre-game hype for 4 hours, and I had to grab my cell phone to take the picture. First the neck beard, and now this.

Orton looked good here

And here

And here

This stat from Larry Mayer, of Chicago Bears.com's Chalk Talk

"Over the last two weeks, Orton’s five TD passes are second in the NFL only to the Jets’ Brett Favre, who has nine."

Now stop sucking in the 2nd half and get a proper haircut. Please.

I re-learned a valuable lesson this week. Always ask 2 people to record a game for you in case something goes wrong.

Especially if this is the first guy you ask.

I eventually found tenyardtorr ents.com, a bit torrent site with tons of games current and historic. You can go there now and watch the '86 Superbowl game.

It looks like Special Teams are going to be tops in the league again this year.

Brad Maynard already has 11 punts inside the 20 - 3rd best in the league.

In the past I've been critical of Robbie's leg on kickoffs, but he has 4 touchbacks this season. He had 3 total touchbacks last season.

And we know it's only a matter of time before Hester goes off.

I loved A. Brown's stuff on 4th and goal, but there was another crucial play that soon followed. The Bears were on the 1 yard line after mustering only 2 first downs the entire second half. On third and 4 with 2:43 left on the clock, at least one first down was needed. Matt Forte responded with a tough 10 yards, breaking a few arm tackles on the way. We finally have a RB who can consistently move the chains on 3rd and short.

Doug Buffone of The Score always talk about most teams being stuck in "The Muck", the middle of the pack - the 500 teams. It won't be a fun season if the Bears are struggling to stay above 500. We've been lucky so far in facing a hobbled Peyton Manning, avoiding Steve Smith and not having to face The Eagles RB Brian Westbrook. With games against The Lions and The Falcons up next, The Bears have a great opportunity to seperate themselves from the muck.

What is going on with Tommie Harris? It was just reported that he has been suspended a game for misconduct. Brad Biggs of The Sun-Times speculates that it could be due to chronic tardiness. Tommie is the fan favorite - watching the kids reaction to him at training camp leaves no doubt of this. But after somehow receiving a 4 year contract extension worth 40 million dollars while rehabbing a (perhaps) permanently messed up knee, Tommie is off to a very slow start. And now we hear he might have an attitude problem...

Buccaneers 27 - Bears 24

2008-09-23T19:34:00.034-05:00

Before we get to The Bad, first The Good:

This is our best receiver. His name is Brandon Lloyd. He has a music career and a fancy website.

He is the only WR who can catch Kyle Orton passes.

Stud

The best player on the Bears right now

The Bad...

Lovie

His Philosophy:
Grind the clock with the run game
Win the Turnover Battle
Let Defense and Special Teams take care of business.

This translates into settling for too many field goal attempts.

We won the turnover battle and won time of possession and still lost the game.

We are a run first team, supposedly, because we are a Winter team. Every team plays cold weather games, though. I've never watched the Bears in December and felt they had an advantage because it was freezing outside. If anything, the Bears always look like they're freezing their asses off - Except for Olin.

Lovie failed to call timeouts when the D was getting torched and winded in the hurry up.

He missed an earlier chance to call a timeout when Bucs 6 ft 7 " TE Jerramy Stevens shifted wide left to isolate LB Hunter Hillenmeyer (pictured left).

Isn't this what Greg Olsen is supposed to do?

Stevens is 5 yards past the endzone and the poor fella is still trying to tackle him. Very good. You tackled him. In the endzone.

Robbie Gould

He missed a 49 yard field goal. The highest paid kicker in the league is supposed to be automatic inside of 50. Why is Robbie the highest paid kicker in the Universe? Wouldn't he have been happy to be in the top 10 of highest paid kickers, or top 20, or top 32 ?

Kyle's 2nd INT

Down 6 to 7 at the end of the first half.
He attempts to fake a screen left to Forte, spins left in a complete circle, fakes no one because everyone on the Bucks is blitzing him, backpedals 10 yards and throws an INT that's run back for a Touchdown. If we are going to have Grossman-like blunders, I at least want Grossman out there doing the Good Rex stuff too.

If you didn't see Orton get spun like a dreidel on this scramble, i hope this youtube link still works.

Antics

T. Harris sounded foolish after the game defending Tillman. The point is you got outsmarted. The Bucs goaded you into stupid penalties.

Dan Hampton on the Score suggests that you get back at dirty players by shattering their windpipe on the next play.

Charles Tillman, next time a WR messes with you, karate chop his windpipe on the next play.

The Pass Rush

There's a lot of criticism out there for the Bears getting no sacks off 67 passing attempts, but the Bears did stop the run game - T. Harris was in on that. Dusty Dvoracek too, but Dusty, if you're going to be intense enough to make yourself puke before every game and wear warpaint, you might want to get a sack.

The Ghosts of Bears Past

Last time Chris Harris, this game Brian Griese

Charles Tillman

Tillman was doing his thing, winning the turnover battle, but he lost his cool.

Even though Vasher gave up the final Overtime reception and caught a heal in the nuts(pictured on left), he had an INT and didn't commit a costly OT penalty.

Edge - Vasher

And lastly, the Bears cut Mark Bradley today. Mark, you had one good half 3 or 4 years ago. You could have been the next Marcus Robinson. We hardly knew ye.

Panthers 20 - Bears 17

2008-09-18T20:46:00.039-05:00

Way to rip my beating heart out and light it on fire.

Top 5 Reasons The Bears Lost To Carolina

5. Chris Harris

Ex-Bear Chris Harris came into this game with a chip on his shoulder. We've failed to find a hard hitting safety with a nose for the ball since foolishly trading Harris after '06. Harris was everywhere last week, getting his licks on WR's, stopping Hester on special teams and forcing a momentum changing strip on a 3rd quarter Greg Olson reception.

4. Jonathan Stewart

The Bears did a great job of shutting down DeAngelo Williams in the first half, but gave up 76 yards and 2 touchdowns to rookie Jonathan Stewart in the 2nd half. Same old story here with the D playing great in the first half, but with no support from Offense in scoring or field position, the Defense had to try to carry another game.

3. Poor Special Teams Play

Yes, we scored off a Darrel McClover blocked punt, but Special Teams penalties forced us to start with terrible field position the entire game.

Brandon McGowan committed two special teams penalties and would later sustain a season ending ankle injury.

McGowan will be replaced at Safety by Danieal Manning, who was benched in favor of McGowan at the start of the season. Manning (pictured with Urlacher) committed a Special Teams penalty late in the fourth, forcing the Bears to start on the 10 yard line.

Even the usually reliable Brad Maynard had a bad game, punting one ball 30 yards.

Kellen Davis and Jason McKie contributed to Special Teams penalties as well (McKie also had a false start on Offense).

Speaking of Mic's, do you think Patrick Dempsey is known more for this role...

Or the African Anteater Ritual?

2. Kyle Orton's Inability to Be A Playmaker

Matt Forte did his part in the run game, picking up huge chunks of yards throughout the game, but Kyle Orton failed to create a passing attack. He has no accuracy on the deep ball. His best throw of the game was an under thrown ball which Brandon Lloyd managed to catch for 32 yards.

Orton had three chances to score in the fourth quarter. The first one ended on this 3rd and 7 down field overthrow to an open Marty Booker.

On his next possession, after a 6 yard pass to Desmond Clark, he threw a 2nd down incomplete pass to Rasheed Davis. On 3rd down, he was called for a Grossman-like intentional grounding. End of possession.

His last chance with 2:24 left, with a win within reach, started with a monster Matt Forte 9 yard carry on 1st down. A team that gets off the bus running gives it to Forte on 2nd down, 3rd down and 4th down to try for that 1 yard. On 2nd down, Orton throws incomplete to Rasheed Davis. On 3rd down, he calls an audible and throws a terrible wide pass to Marty Booker. And on 4th down, Jason McKie was stopped for no gain.

The expert analysis (Dan Hampton and Doug Buffone) put a lot of blame for this 4th and 1 failure on rookie Tight End Kellen Davis' failure to be ready for his blocking assignment on a short count.

An Offensive Coordinator and QB's fates go hand in hand, so Ron Turner's WTF!?? playcalling shares the responsibility here.

1. Greg Olson's Fumbles

No way around it. Olson's fumbles cost us the game. The first one came at the end of a long drive, after a Kellen Davis Special Teams penalty and Josh Beekman false start put us at the 6.

The second fumble (pictured on left), in the third quarter, and caused by Chris Harris was the absolute momentum changer in the game.

Olsen wasn't the only one to screw up in this game, but he is now outside of my circle of trust. It was a bad day for all Tight Ends not named Desmond Clark.

Game Notes:

A. Brown (96) had a sack for a 9 yard loss and a tackle for a 6 yard loss.

Yisra-el Idonije (71) had a 4th quarter sack for a loss of 12 yards.

In the battle between our 2 exceptional CB's, C. Tillman again had the better game with an INT of a Kevin payne pass break up. Vasher gave up some yards to Muhsin Muhammad, my least favorite Ex-Bear with a moustache.

And finally, check out this website...

http://www.biggestbearfan.com/

This guy is a bigger Bears fan than me. He's covered.

Here's his Vasher.

And my favorite, the Marcus Robinson!

Bears 29 - Colts 13

2008-09-13T10:32:00.032-05:00

Super Bears Super Holy Shit

This must have been an opposite sketch. The quarterback, confused, burns multiple timeouts. A run game shut down. A coach wasting timeouts by challenging calls. Multiple third down conversions. Not even Peyton Manning's magical flappy wings could save him from a Bears defense that did almost everything right in Week One.

It must be noted that the Colts started a backup center and two backup guards due to injury. And Peyton sat out the entire pre-season due too an infected bursa sac. I'm going to throw up.

So the defense looked good against a depleted Colts offense. In the battle between our two exceptional cornerbacks , Tillman beat Vasher. Tillman did what he does best - creating havoc by punching the ball free on a Marvin Harrison reception, while Vasher missed a few tackles.

A. Brown and Yisra-el Idonije got their paws all over the ball. T. Harris had a 4 yard tackle for loss. Mike Brown didn't get hurt.

The more suprising story is the play on offense. D. Clark and Greg Olsen led the team in receptions.

D. Clark - 2 for 46
G. Olsen - 2 for 36

This is why fantasy football is stupid. In fantasy, these two aren't good picks because they split up stats. I will not live in a world where I cannot celebrate the shared accomplishments of Desmond Clark and Greg Olsen.

Matt Forte had a monster coming out party. Speed, Power, Moves.

23 carries
123 yards
5.3 average
1 touchdown

An interesting sub plot developed during the game. That's Bob Sanders, on the left, falling down behind Forte on Forte's 50 yard touchdown run. Earlier in the game, Sanders rammed into Forte as Forte was dragging along a D lineman for a few extra yards. Forte was forced out of the game for a few plays. Pictured on the right is Sanders flexing immediately after the hit. Retribution would come swiftly as Lance Briggs knocked Colts RB Joseph Addai out of the game a short while later. Addai would not return. Forte would blow by Sanders on said touchdown run.

Winner...Bears.

Briggs messed up Addai more than his Lamborghini last summer. Many have speculated that Briggs was drunk when he crashed his car. Look closely at the street sign. I believe that Lance went overboard on Mattar Paneer and was racing home to get to the toilet.

Shart - small, unintended defecation that occurs when one relaxes the anal sphincter to fart

So how excited should we get this season? Will Orton throw a touchdown this year? Does he have to? When Hester decided to bring the ball out of the end zone on a kick off and was brought down inside the five, I thought the game was over. I thought the season was over. The Bears recovered and ended up with a very convincing win. In 13 hours, after the Bears play a Steve Smith-less Panthers, we will have a better idea of just how good these Bears are.

End of Preseason

2008-09-03T18:56:00.020-05:00

Kyle Orton loves sunflower seeds. Watch him after any three and out and he can't wait to dig in to the sunflower seeds. Kyle looked alright in the final preseason game against the Browns. So did Rex and Caleb. Rex drove 95 yards and threw for a touchdown on his one possession. Caleb Hanie scrambled his way across the field and put some points up. Someone even made Mark Bradley look good. Did Kyle throw for a touchdown in the preseason? I've decided who I want for our quarterback.

And this guy can be his backup.

I'm not going to hate on the Bears just yet. They are getting no respect by the sports world, many predicting a last place finish in the NFC North.
The Bears are starting almost every defensive starter that led us to the Superbowl. Vasher, Tillman. A. Brown, Ogunleye. Urlacher, Briggs. Tommie Harris, Mike Brown. That's a lot of Probowls. But how healthy are they? Lance Briggs is a tackling machine in the prime of his career, but Tommie might have a messed up knee. We heard a lot last season about Urlacher's arthritic back and neck surgery, but he said he was fine and got more money this summer. So did Tommie. Does this mean they are healthy?

Speaking of Ogunleye, he has a myspace page. www.myspace.com/official_adewaleogunleye. He has a lot of hot ladies for friends. This is a new phenomena I've discovered - Bears players on Myspace. There's no way Adewale even knows this page exists. A friend of his is getting laid by convincing Adewale to have a myspace page and offering to administer it for him.

I don't think we've learned much this preseason but I will point out a few more players who have stood out. Matt Forte, I'm convinced, is going to be a good running back. He continues to get the tough yards, the third and three yards, and he showed a good combination of power and speed in the last game as he hit some open field and put on a few moves to evade tackles. Is this guy handsome? I can't tell. Ask your wife or girlfriend. I think he looks a little like Pruitt Taylor Vince, the actor from Deadwood, The X-Files,House, JFK, Down By Law, Identity, and Natural Born Killers. Am I way off base here?

Brandon McGowan showed good instincts and toughness when he chased wide and threw down Jerome Harrison on a second and six on the Bears six yard line. This is a photo of Brandon McGowan - I think. I get my McGowan's and Manning's and McBride's and Graham's and Payne's confused. They're all secondary guys who have yet to distinguish themselves since the trading of Chris Harris to the Panthers. Harris went on to lead the league in forced fumbles for Carolina with 8. Good job with that one Angelo. Speaking of turnovers, I think the Bears have become so obsessed with stripping the ball that they are missing tackles.

I'd like to give my first Ed Schotz Good Sportsmanship Award to Alex Brown. A. Brown is one of my favorite players with a moustache. He got demoted last season by the upstart Mark Anderson. Did he gripe in public? Did he raise a stink? He upped his game and forced the Bears to make him a starter again. His huge Mickey Mouse hands block field goals and swat down passes with abandon.

Preseason Game 2

2008-08-19T00:40:00.017-05:00

It’s Official. We’re Fucked. Orton has been named the starter. He must be incredible in practice because he didn’t light it up in this game. All he proved is that Brandon Lloyd has the ability to catch poorly thrown balls. Has Orton completed a pass over 15 yards?
Lovie, I’m losing faith. Granted, you got criticized in the past for handing the starting job to Rex in the preseason, and then you get criticized for having a QB competition this year. But don’t tell us this is a real competition and then give the ball to Kyle after that performance.
Have you ever seen Lovie speak into that headset? Is it plugged in? He looks like a boy lost at the mall. “Are you lost? What’s your name?" Lovie should have suspended Lance Briggs for a game last year for lying to the police after crashing his Lamborghini. Isn’t that what zero tolerance means? At the beginning of this year’s WR hunt, Lovie stated that he’s comfortable with Mark Bradley as his number 1 receiver. I want to take you seriously. I don’t know if you’re a good coach or not. I know the players love you, but what are we to think when you say things like that?

As has been widely reported, Rex had little time to throw the ball. When he did, he looked sharp and I’d almost say confident. In his first throw of the game, the blitz came, he stepped into the pocket and I swear I saw him take a breath, relax his shoulders, and then fire the ball to Olsen for a first down. Then he got mauled for the rest of his series.

Matt Forte looks tough, like he can get the yards on 3rd and short. And he can catch the ball. I think he’s going to be a bright spot on offense.

Bad luck befell 2 players I highlighted last week.
Des Clark, as of tonight, is reported to be out a game with a right knee injury sustained at the end of a seven-yard reception.
Robbie Gould missed a would be game winning 47 yard field goal with 25 seconds left in the game. Robbie, you are the highest paid kicker in the NFL, the highest paid kicker of all time. Yes. I don’t know how that happened either. You are not allowed to miss anything under 50 yards.

Backup DT Israel Idonije had a good game with a sack, a tackle for a loss of yards, and he batted down a pass. Idonije always creeped me out until I realized that he looks like Junior from the Tom Selleck movie An Innocent Man. Junior gets killed by Jimmie Rainwood. Jimmie gets sent to the whole for 90 days. This is Jimmie on his way back to his cell from the hole. It was hard time. You can tell by the sweat and the tousled hair. But how does he still have a moustache? How did he shave? Shouldn’t he have a beard after 90 days?

Many people are saying that Devin Hester, who just signed a 40 million dollar contract, makes too much to just play special teams. Consider, though, that teams have kicked out of bounds on kickoffs and spotted the Bears 40 yards, rather than kick to him. I think the Bears had the best starting position in the NFL. Punters routinely short leg punts to avoid him. These are yards that Hester gives the Bears without even touching the ball. It must be a ton of yards, and if you added them up, they’re probably more than he could hope to gain as a WR.

Preseason Game 1

2008-08-11T06:13:00.003-05:00

It's not that I love Rex Grossman, I just hate the idea of Kyle Orton starting. When Rex is good, he's great. He made it look easy during the first half of '06. Kyle has never had a great game. He won ten games his rookie year, but those were cringe inducing wins. He would manage to not suck so bad that the defense couldn't win the game. He was good for one touchdown every game or so. I think he "won" a game after throwing for 68 yards. He had a chance last season and it didn't look much better. I'm not saying that this woman is a whore. I don't know her, she may be Kyle's wife, but if she were a whore, is this the quality of whore you want your starting quarterback making sex to? These pictures have been around for a few years, but this is still what i think of when I picture Orton.

This is the caliber of whore I want to see my starting quarterback with.

Until Kyle does anything to prove he's a better option, I'm a Rex guy, and I hope he starts, stays healthy and looks for D. Clark. Desmond Clark was a secret weapon in '06. He stays healthy, averages 12 yards a carry , and doesn't lose the ball. Until Olsen steps up, D. Clark is still the man at tight end.

Erik Kramer did a great job during game one. He was funny and self-deprecating. The best part was when Chicago got a penalty for running out of bounds on a kickoff. Kramer noted that a player can be pushed out but has to make an effort to get back in bounds. When the replay showed Daniael Manning running down the sideline out of bounds making no effort to get back in, Kramer started laughing at him. I like having a homer in the booth for Bears games.

Anyone would be better than Moose, Goose and Douche. Why are we stuck with these guys?

Kramer made a few mistakes, like referring to Caleb Hanie as Chad Henne. This was pointed out by the two douches Boers and Bernstein on the Score. What they didn't say is that Kramer corrected himself immediately and laughed about it.

Here's a typical Boers and Bernstein exchange.

Bernstein "Are you watching the Bears game tonight?"

Boers "No."

Bernstein"Do you care about the Olympics?"

Boers "No. And you shouldn't. Nobody should."

I'm glad you douches are on sports radio.

Speaking of douches, Lou Canellis is the preseason sideline reporter. He didn't do a bad job. The problem is that I happened to catch a show called 190North, a weekly show on ABC that explores interesting places in Chicago. It's like Wild Chicago but not as cool. Lou did a piece on a Turkish bath on Division street. He did the whole segment wrapped in a towel, and if you watch it, you get the sense that he invented this piece solely as way to appear half naked on T.V. You look great without a shirt Lou, for a guy in his 40's or 50's or 60's or however old you are. But how are we supposed to take you seriously with this image stuck in our heads?

A criticism I've always had of Robbie Gould has been the lengths of his kickoffs. The Bears are smart in that they usually never make him attempt a field goal over 50 yards. This helps keep his accuracy very high. The problem is that his kickoffs only get to the 15 to 10 yard line. Last year when Adrian Peterson of the Vikings ran a kick off back for a touchdown, he was spotted 15 yards by Gould's short kick off. In the first preseason game, however, Gould kicked consistently to the end zone. Way to go Robbie. And your name is Gold. You are Jewish. Don't deny it.